did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
