We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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