4 words: hood of his car
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
