on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
