On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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