at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize