You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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