My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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