Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
