people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
