this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
