i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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