Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
