once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
