you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
