Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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