He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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