Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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