Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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