I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
