Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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