I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
