At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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