Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
