Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Randomize
