so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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