she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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