you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
my liver is dry heaving
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
