my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
