wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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