I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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