the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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