It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
