my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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