Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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