McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
