I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
