I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
