Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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