Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
