we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
