i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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