i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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