I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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