tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
