I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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