I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
