Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
