I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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