The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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