I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
