apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
