New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
