wrigley field is MILF paradise
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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