Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I deserve this hangover.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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