I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
