I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Im part way to drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
