Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
