Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
