You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
